lifestyle, my own

My Own To Tell: Becoming a Mother for the First Time.

As we get closer to the end of this year I am finding myself reflecting on the blessings that this ending year has brought in my life, becoming a mother is at the top of my list. If you had met a younger me a few years ago you would have figured me out to be a career obsessed person, not that there is anything wrong with it at all, I loved working hard and enjoyed that part of my life. I was working hard on my bachelor’s degree and already brainstorming my Master’s thesis, I was set on this journey focused on my career life where very little thought was given to starting a family of my own anytime soon. Many people in my circle had the same ambitions and I still meet people to this day who look at me and just shake their heads as to how much my life has changed. Friends have gone to even call me unrecognizable, I have had comments like “I never knew you wanted to have children” to “I didn’t know mothering was in you”. I can’t blame them on those comments though I rarely expressed my plans to become a mother anytime soon.

Fast forward to now, as a mother to one very energetic and beautiful baby girl, I can’t believe how much a person can transform from the inside out in one miraculous day. The moment that miraculous day came for me was January 3, 2017. I had what my doctor described as a normal pregnancy, grateful for that, and my delivery was expected to be no different. On my last appointment my doctor jokingly told me that if he sees me pregnant on the next weekly visit he would be more than surprised. I was 2 cm dilated already but still strong as a nail, all my mamas out there understand the nesting energy. All the energy that I had lost for the entire nine months came out in one week, gosh I even painted a whole room by myself in a couple of hours one morning, just because I had to do something at 6 Am. At the end of it all though my baby came by an emergency C-section, something I had never envisioned or planned for. I didn’t even do any research on C-section delivery because like I said, my whole pregnancy was without complications.

As I lied on that table in the operating room, arms spread, my whole insides exposed, at my most vulnerable moment, the only thought on my mind was that I hope my baby is okay. I felt the pressure, my doctors carried on a conversation about football that helped me relax to my surprise and in the middle of the noises around me, I heard the cry. It is true what they say and I know to some it sounds so clichés but that first cry makes you literally forget everything, I was still wide open, more scared than I have ever been in my life but none of that mattered, the cry made everything worth it. My husband looked at me, eyes drained with tears and asked if he can leave me for a second to check on the little one getting prepped by the nurses on the next table. I nodded in agreement and felt his hand slip through mine. It was then that in those few seconds that I was on my own, staring at the white ceiling since my view of anyone was blocked by a white drape, I could sense the pressure on my seemingly hollow belly as my doctor finished sewing me back in one piece, I felt like my old self was disappearing with every stitch they made.

My life as I knew it was changing, my body as I was accustomed to was getting a mark of glory, a reminder of the greatest blessing I have ever been given. My baby was brought to me by my sobbing husband who deposited her on my chest. At the touch of my newborn to my bare skin what felt like a heat coming from inside my heart and filling my whole body overwhelmed me and tears run to my cheeks. That moment is forever engraved in my heart, I will never be able to fully explain it in words an attempt to it is that holding your  child for the first time is like holding a piece of your heart on the outside of your body. EVERYTHING else stops and you know at that moment what true love really means.

Becoming a mother has given me a sense of power that I never thought I had, it is a combination of happiness, awe, fulfillment, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, helplessness and courage all in one single feeling. I know it doesn’t make sense but that is how I really felt. My old self disappeared that day leaving room to a fulfilled and purposefully living new me and I would truly never change it for the world. A pure, magnificent, overwhelming, complete and unexplainable form of love was born in my life wrapped in a seven pounds little angel, a baby girl to love and cherish.

In tribute to Zelda, my heartbeat,

Denise S.

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